Becoming less afraid of my own flaws helps me to understand him. The anger is still present for the lack of his presence in the past and currently, which I have a part to play in that case, but allowing empathy unto myself allows me to give compassion to him, which feeds back into my self-empathy. I heard two things in this year, one from a psychologist, 'nother from an artist, that started and cemented this understanding.
"You are never going to live a fulfilling life when you hate a parent. / Try and create some connection if you can...selfishly...try your absolute best to have compassion or some form of connection (with them), whilst protecting your peace." - Sadia Khan
"You may not know you're DaD, but you seen him / And if you don't like his ways, at least you know your demons." - Brandon Isaac
My DaD was not a complete absentee Father, but he was absent. And I missed out on a lot of what it takes to be a Man, who I was, and how to handle the world around me that I have not been able to fully grasp till my 30's. I greatly resented that a lot of early situations I was involved in could have been avoided had my Father been around.
For me, I could never not be in my child's life by any circumstances, no matter what. And I could not bring myself to forgive him for failing me, for failing my mother. Now, at 33, analyzing my life, the things I've done, how I've coped with intense anxiety, where I am, and my constant examination of Self, I see why he made the choices he made.
My strongest connection to The Source is my relation to Self. That relation is greatly dependent on how I view myself through the eyes of one who birthed me. It is even more imperative because I find more and more with time that he and I are more alike, good and bad qualities alike. Through that understanding, by detaching myself from entitlement, leaving my emotions on the bleachers, and a reframing of the narrative of my DaD, seeing him as a human, I can begin to forgive him.
I'd be lying if I said I wanted to hear from him today, I'm not there today. Much needed recharging and silence my soul was asking for. But I hope to hear from him again one day. And when that time comes, I will for myself to be full of acceptance. Acceptance of what I didn't have, and what I do have. Of who he is, of who I am. Full of love for who I am, because I love him from an unconflicted state.
I'm growing to a place where I can forgive me DaD fully, for even things that I may never have an answer for. And while I continue to work on me, doing better for the sake of my very existence, I will that I'll fill the void that needed his Father, and somehow, be the Father to myself that I needed that he could not be able to do. He loves me, in his own way, even if I don't understand it. It's up to me to learn from his mistakes and choices, and do better. So, when I have a SoN or Daughter, history will not play the same song too many other Men like me know too well.
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References:
WHAT IS TOXIC PARENTING ? - Sadia Psychology
"P r i d e i n M y H e r i t a g e" from Another Level of Existence: Mastery Of Acceptance by Brandon Isaac
Music Playing:
Father by Alltta - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-00R4luhie0
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